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18th Century Meditation

he meditation is during my life in the edwardian times. I am part of an aristocratic family. I am young and married, but have no bond or love with my husband. He is short and has blonde hair with a child like face. We have three children: two girls, and one boy. I have no bond with them either, I feel alone in this life. I feel lost and confused, I seek my home. I have a deep connection with the nature, as I do no. I live in a very green country, it could be England or France in the countryside. c starts with me looking at myself. I have brown hair which is always up in a big coiffe on my head. It feels heavy and weighs me down, it hurts my neck. My favourite dress that I like to wear is a navy blue one, it is blue like midnight. I like the night, it helps me escape. The night is my friend, it is when I can feel free. I wonder down the corridors of the cold mansion we live in during the night, holding a candle in a gold candle holder. I watch the flame and get lost in its tremble. I wonder how it feels, how lucky it is to be able to be blown out when the sun rises. I wish I could too. As I wonder the cold corridors at night, I look at the paintings on the walls of all the men who stand in their proud uniforms. I do not see space for women. Women have no speech in this world, so why are we here? Amongst these, is a very big painting of a man wearing a red jacket and white trousers. He has a black cane in his hand. He is a noble soldier. He has a powerful stance, with one leg up on a little step. When I look at this painting, I feel so cold and afraid inside. I do not understand why, so I go closer to look at the man's face. This man is my father, he has brown hair and a brown moustache with turquoise blue piercing eyes that have small pupils. As I see his face, I physically shudder. My father used to do a lot of shouting, and I was scared of him as a young girl. I hate walking past this painting, and hurry my step whilst passing is as a cold shiver travels down my spine.

I get lost in my fabrics and clothing, it is one of the things I am passionate. It is my way of expressing how I feel, seeing as I cannot express it though my words. However I do hate the corsets, they tug at me and stop me from breathing with ease. I find them so restrictive. I am physically trapped in this body, and the corsets make me feel even more trapped, they are like a cage. Nevertheless, my midnight blue dress is my favourite. It is my pride and joy. I see myself sitting at the dining table, wearing this midnight blue dress. The table is a long rectangular shape with so many sets of plates and silver cutlery. There are many candles on the table too. But it is daytime so they are not lit, so I cannot escape. The only way for me to escape is to look out of the window, at the greenery. I am sitting at the table, facing the windows. With the red wall that has all the paintings on them to my back, I do not want to look at these. My husband sits next to me to my right, my children to my left. My mother in law is at the head of the table, discussing politics with my husband. I am not interested, I get lost in looking outside wishing I could escape.

It is in this moment that I see myself in this life. I am standing in front of myself, watching myself look out of the window. I am quite beautiful in this life, I have big brown eyes with pale skin and voluptuous pink lips. My hair is brown and curly, up in a bun. I look at myself and see sadness in my eyes, this makes me cry. I see what I am missing in this life. I see how trapped I am in my own body, how the only release for me is death but that I know will not come for a while so I am to live this life in solitude. I sit at the table, not listening to what is being said. Transporting myself over the countryside, listening to the wind.

I am sitting in my bedroom with my mirror in front of me, I look at myself and feel so empty. I see a little girl with blonde hair wearing only her nightdress in the mirror and miss her. (I don't know who she is)

I play the piano in this life, and it is one of the few things that gives me pleasure. The music makes me feel so light, and blissful. That transports me to happiness for a few moments, when the music is gone I am back to normality, back to torment.

I fast forward this life and come to when I am toward the end of my life. I am lying down on my bed, in my mansion. My bed has a window to the left and one at the bottom of the bed so that I can look out, all I see is greenery. This morning is a foggy one, I can see the trees in the garden but only a few of them. The fog is thick, and hides the rest of the scenery. I am lying there in my nightgown, wishing I could go out there. I am alone in my room. My hair is grey and hanging loose, no longer in the bun I always was obliged to wear. I know my end is near and I look forward to it so. I let out my last breath and my soul travels from my physical body, not looking back I leave the room and go out into the country side, in the cold air. Past the trees, past the cliffs and over the sea. Out into the ocean.